Piercaholic, Chocoholic

I am so fucking pissed! Yes, I am emotional, especially when it comes to certain topics. One of the major ones is abt my weight and what I eat or do not eat. I admit, I DO NOT have good eating habits, I also have very weird eating habits. Once I find something I like that does not make me gain weight, I tend to stick to it. One such example is my cereal in the morning. I am addicted to Post's Banana Nut Crunch. Have been eating it almost everyday for the past 5mths. Yes, I should buy stk in the company. One box would last me about 4-5 days. I take it dry, without milk. Milk is for my coffee, that is my breakfast .... everyday. On days that my dad cooks in the morning I get grumpy as I don't get to eat my cereal ...

I hate it when ppl point out to me how much I am eating, I do have days that I will go all out and enjoy my food. Like on Sat when I went out with the family for mother's day dinner. For some reason I was super hungry and ate alot! When everyone was done I still wanted to order more, I appreciate the fact that my bro did not blink when I said I wanted to eat more ....

If I want to eat more or less, who are u too tell me so? I don't need u to watch my weight, I do it everyday on my own. Yes, this is another one of my obsessions. But I have found a friend that actaully has the same habit as I do, so I am not alone. Why the hell do u think ppl develop eating disorders? It is because of the rest of the world always making insensitive comments.

I grew up always being call the fat kid. I hated shopping as there was never clothes to fit me. Uniforms have to been made especially for me. When I was young, my grandfather used to call me "Sum Tim Ha" She was this really fat Hong Kong actress. Relatives would tell me I should try eating fat burners. I was put in the TAF (Trim And Fit) club in sch ... ironically if u read it backwards, it spells out FAT! When I took my driving practical, the tester asked me why I was so fat, that guys do not like girls that are fat. Could u believe the audacity? I keep telling myself that if I had said anything at that time, he would have failed me. Relatives would compare me with my thin cousins.... it's not surprising that I am the way I am today.

Yes, in case u are wondering, I have an eating disorder... I can control it better now. There are things that I have done that some of u would be shocked to know, and I really don't want to go into it at this time or ever ... some things are better left unsaid. There is no cure, there is only control. I have found my way of control that I am happy with. Some of u might think that it is not the right way but at least I AM EATING! I dread the day that I would relapse, I would be a fool to say that it will never happen because if anyone of u are like me, u know it is a struggle everyday for the rest of my life.

I read about those severe cases of eating disorders and tell myself that I do not want to be like them. However, I do not want to be the fat one either. Its a whole new world not being fat in S'pore and I am just getting used to it. I never had the opprotunity as I had just lost the weight b4 I left to go to the US and had still not opened up.

I must not falter, I will remain strong. I CANNOT let it control my life again, control is MINE!